Running On Empty: How to Fill Yourself Up and Manage Stress as a Musician

Last week, after a duo concert in New York, a student who had been in the audience made her way over while I was packing up my equipment. After congratulating me, she hesitated, then asked an unexpected question: “I want to be happy. How do you find joy in your work when it becomes too stressful? How do you take care of yourself?”

It seriously took me a moment to answer because I myself had been there and wanted to make sure I gave sound advice. I also felt a little guilty because I haven’t been great at that as of late.

After a moment, I responded with something my husband often reminds me: before we can face any obstacle, we have to make sure we’ve filled ourselves up first. If we’re running on empty, even the smallest task can feel insurmountable.

The student scribbled down my words, thanked me, and headed on her way. I spent the rest of the trip replaying the exchange, satisfied that I had said something meaningful, but also wondering if maybe I was being a little hypocritical. I have not been great at handling my own stress as of late, or taking my husband’s advice all of the time. Anyone who knows me can tell you I’m pretty damn stubborn.  

A few days later, my body offered a much blunter response.

Yesterday, I was diagnosed with pretty severe stress-induced hives, or possibly even a very mild case of stress-induced shingles.

My life as of this morning is on a brief pause with one primary mission as I recover: avoid stress when possible until my body catches up. Riiiiight.

So let’s unpack it together in real-time. How do we, as musicians, avoid stress? Or maybe at least de-escalate and learn how to manage our lives and careers in a way that doesn’t end in a doctor visit?

Identify Your Stressors

This might sound like a "duh" part of this post, but I'm serious. If you're like me, you're so busy being on the lookout for the obvious things (concerts, rehearsals, travel, school, etc.) that you miss the little things that begin to pile up (worrying, sleep deprivation, physical stress, etc.)

I thought I had a handle on things because I was google-calendaring the s*** out of my life, I had prepared immaculately for all my rehearsals, flights were booked, and I was rocking the professional musicianship life.

Things I didn't realize were piling up:

• Physical Stress: We don't think about this as much as we should as percussionists. Leading up to our first concert of the season, my husband and I were rehearsing three to four hours a day. Feeling prepared musically took my guard down, and I ignored the amount of physical stress my body was undergoing not just during rehearsal, but also lugging instruments in and out each day. It's of the utmost importance that you listen to your body BEFORE you get to fatigue, not after.

  
  

• Worrying About Others: This has been one of the sneakier stressors for me specifically because I also view it as one of my greatest strengths. I worry about my husband and the pressures of being a music professor. I worry about my dad dealing with government shutdown uncertainty. I worry about my students and whether I’m showing up enough for them in the midst of my own performance career. Each thought feels valid on its own (and they are), but they add up fast. Unlike a rehearsal or performance, this kind of stress has no clear endpoint, and left unchecked it can start to drain you. That's not to say you shouldn't care about the people in your life immensely. Just like the advice I gave to my student-friend, we have to find ways to fill ourselves up to we can support those we love as well.

  
  

• The Pressure to Always "Be On": As a performing musician, there’s an unspoken expectation that you’re always representing your craft at all times. On stage, in rehearsals, with students, and everywhere in between. For me this has been particularly challenging because once I'm done at school, I always inevitably have to bring work home with me. On top of my teaching at three different schools, I also work as the president for our state Percussive Arts Society chapter, serve on a couple of event committees with late-night meetings, and manage the social media. More often than not, I find myself doing music related things late into the evening. If it wasn't already clear, allowing yourself only two to three hours of "off-time" is not a viable solution. That pressure to be consistently engaged, positive, and “on your game” can be incredibly taxing and over time, that lack of off-switch can quietly wear you down. In the next section, we're going to cover all the ins-and-outs of truly filling yourself up!

Filling Yourself Up

• Happiness vs. Joy

To quote my wonderful husband, "What brings you joy?" Joy and happiness are two different things. Think of happiness as having a perfectly working car with no oil light, but joy as the gas that makes it run. What is something tangible that will carry you through those tough times?

Happiness might be finally getting to go home at the end of a long day, or maybe a sneaky Dr. Pepper when you're trying to drink more water (guilty as charged.) Joy is something that thrills you and gives you something to hold on to for more than just a couple of minutes.

Here's an example.

For me, happiness is playing Assassin's Creed. And while I can and often do process this as a method for relaxation, if I'm being honest it still incorporates a modicum of stress.

Joy for me is springing for the good stuff at the market and making etouffée at home because it reminds me of family holidays, or maybe taking time to turn off screens altogether and connect and play a round of boardgames with my husband.

The important thing to note is that while happiness is casual, sometimes finding joy for yourself might take a little extra effort. If you've read through my last couple of blog posts, you'll notice that the "experience life" line is a common thread. Maybe you have to go outside of the budget once in a blue moon or give yourself that day off to spend time with the one you love when it feels irresponsible. It will be okay.

• Taking Time to Unwind

I'm not an expert in this department, but I can give you a little advice on what I've realized in the midst of a crazy tour season. While unwinding and sleeping might feel like the easiest portion of this, we actually have to be intentional about this too.

Me and my husband's typical routine was to come home from a long day of rehearsal, scarf down some dinner, and then hard-shutdown after fifteen minutes of doom-scrolling, and then wondering why we woke up tired. After taking some time to analyze, I realized I was basically doing the equivalent of pulling the plug on your 90's family PC without properly shutting it down (if you're old enough to remember that era).

So we made a couple of changes to our evening routine: We made a point to talk to each other about work, and then mutually agree to set it down for the night. I would make a cup of tea, and we would either play a cozy board-game (re: Cascadia, Click-A-Tree, Azul, etc) or watch a couple of episodes of a low-stress show together and then go to bed. Lo and behold, not only was it MUCH easier to fall asleep, but we also woke up feeling much more rested. Think about giving yourself some time to unwind before forcing yourself to bed and you might find the changes work wonders for you too!

• Boundaries On Your Time-Management

I said earlier that I was Google Calendaring the s*** out of my life, and that is true. Once I figured out how to sync my calendar up to my phone and immediately schedule rehearsals, lessons, and travel, I felt like I had reached a new level of handling the struggles of a professional musician. What I have been bad at as of late, however, is learning that there has to be an hour of clock-out. If you're a music educator (or an educator at all) and you're reading this, you know how tricky that can be. There just aren't enough hours in the day.

Well, if we want to survive this crazy career path we have all thrown ourselves down, it's about time we came together and put a hard-stop on this. I often tell my students that if you can't get what work you need to get done in four hours of practice a day, you aren't managing it right, and I've been really bad at taking my own advice. I now have a self-imposed work curfew each day, and my husband often helps by telling me off if I accidentally slip back into work mode. You'd be surprised how much work you can get done if you hold yourself accountable and convince yourself to not take it home with you.

Now, I know realistically that this can't always be done. Such is the struggle of a teacher in a Spring semester. This is more of a set of guidelines and some strategies to tackle when you're feeling overwhelmed (or maybe your body is telling you it's time for that break).

The Takeaway

Managing stress isn’t about eliminating it (because let’s be honest, that’s not happening in this field). It’s about learning to notice when we’re running on empty and having the smarts to actually do something about it.

It's important to remember that we are people first, and musicians second. There can be no teacher, no performer, no concert, no career if we aren't healthy enough to do it. Likewise, we can't show up for others if we can't show up for ourselves.

As the most stressful part of our Spring semesters starts to kick into gear, I hope you find some time to drink some tea, watch your favorite show, and connect with those you care about so you can finish out strong. Good luck, and feel free to share your favorite strategies in the comments!